U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize