Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
