Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
