whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize