can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
