We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
