she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
