That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
