Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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