Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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