I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Boobs are out for the taking
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
