i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize