I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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