dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
