So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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