dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
