I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
