so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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