is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
