Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize