I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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