there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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