how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
