Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize