WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
