I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize