you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize