I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
