my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I need to calm my uterus...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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