Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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