i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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