dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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