God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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