So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
