Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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