Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
