eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
