Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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