There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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