Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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