Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
