his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
