I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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