This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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