It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
