I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
