mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
