my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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