I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
