This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
