I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
