Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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