My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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