so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
