I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
