we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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