Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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