they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
