we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
