what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
