So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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