I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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